In a new memo sent out to all students, faculty, staff, community members, substitute teachers, and construction workers, EHS announced that Winter Break has been reduced to two days, those days being Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, but it also falls on the 25th of December. This is the 1686th year in a row where Christmas fell on the 25th, and after 1686 years of Winter Break, the school has had enough . 

“We’ve had a week-long vacation off of school at this exact time of year for too long,” the letter said in part. “We are all quite tired of doing the same thing over and over again; it clearly does not support student learning. We need to find new ways to encourage our student body to bring out the best learning possible, and we feel that this initiative can help.”

A poll was sent out at the beginning of December to gauge student interest in the idea, and out of the 10,000 respondents, over 98% of people indicated a “strong support” for the scaled back Winter Break. The 10,000 responses marked a 700% turnout rate, which has caused some concerns about the legitimacy of the results. 

“Are there even 10,000 high school students in the district?” asked an anonymous student. “I know for sure that I voted no on the proposal, and I know that everyone I spoke to voted no as well. I have no idea why anyone would want to have less time off, it doesn’t make any sense.”

Mr. Skoglund, Director of Student Counseling, claimed that rumors of alleged voter fraud are false, stating that, “Essex High School categorically denies the allegations that the administration bought 9,632 bot accounts that all voted yes on the poll. We will make no further comment at this time.” 

Regardless of the circumstances regarding the results, the administration has repeatedly communicated that the decision is final. In the build up to the break, teachers are scrambling to come up with lesson plans for their classes. 

“The key,” said Mr. Murray, an AP Language teacher at the school, “Is to find really challenging work for all my students. I plan on forcing my students to talk to each other face to face, which I’ve noticed is quite nearly impossible. We might even watch a movie of the student’s choice. Just really rigorous work that’ll teach them a lesson about working really hard.”

It is unclear whether Winter Break will be shortened again next year, although discussions are ongoing about the length of Spring Break as well. In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the state could eliminate school vacation time altogether, so the question now is whether or not the school intends to do so. The length of Wednesdays will remain the same. 

(FYI: This is a satire and completely untrue!)